Sunday, September 12, 2004
Love, Sex, and Dating Series--Dating
DATING
Oz phenomena…
Childhood –> Contact -> /???/ -> Going Together –> Engagement -> Marriage
How do we define the “/???/” stage in Australia. Americans call it dating. But that seems to be a distant relative to what takes place in Oz. (Discuss the idea of a “making friends” stage of life.)
When are you ready to make friends ???
Ans: When you love enough!
Preparation for marriage is not so much a process of finding the right person as it is a matter of learning to be the right person. So…
When are you the right person???
…Primarily…When you are seeking God’s will…Matthew 6:33
Seek first God’s kingdom (rather than a marriage partner). Allow Him to make the choice of your marriage partner and you can’t go wrong. Even if you are ignorant (or blind)…He isn’t. He wants the best one for you…far more than you do!
…Secondarily…When you are striving for maturity daily by…
a) consistent Bible study – influence intellect
b) coping with difficult situations—emotional control
c) submitting to authority--demonstrates control of your will
d) demonstrating some social responsibility – concerned for poor, needy, unemployed
e) maintaining good health
Prove your stewardship…God can trust you with much because you prove faithful in little. If you want a better marriage partner, be a better person. He won’t entrust you with His riches unless you have proven your stewardship. God’s princess’s are for his princes (and visa/versa). Don’t expect Him to give you a princess if you live like a frog.
What to look for in a partner…
My reservations about extensive “qualification lists”…
· Several girls I dated met all the qualifications but they weren’t the right one for me!
· My wife has assets and resources which I was unaware of when we married. Some of them developed in the context of our marriage. If I would have waited for them to present themselves before I got married, we may have never gotten married.
· My values and preferences have changed over the last 30 years.
Only God knows what someone will be like in the future. That’s why ultimately we need to trust him with this decision.
There are however a few helpful signs to look for…
· Friendship, compatability, and mutual interests
· Ease of communication is all of life issues
· (for the believer) spiritual unity—never marry an unbeliever—it doesn’t usually work…you worldviews are too different to meld. The Scripture warns us against being unequally yoked.
· My mentor’s standard—“Does she/he have a heartbeat for God that is not dependent on you?”
When are you prepared…???
· When you have made a cost benefit analysis, ie. dangers, benefits and objectives.
· When you have thought through a list of personal dating standards…and determined that even if you lose your man or woman as a result you will not compromise these standards.
· When you are willing and able to communicate your standards to those you go out with…verbally commit yourself to a standard up front.
Suggestions for “Making Friends” …
“Making Friends” with opposite sex Christian believers should be different than worldly opposite relationships in several ways…
Attitude (What are you focused on?)
· the “other” is a brother or sister in Christ and there future marriage partner is you brother/sister in Christ. (How would you want your Christian brother to treat your future wife on their date tonight? Have the same regard for your brother’s future wife when you take her out!)
· you are to edify each other (as a result of your input the other should develop in a way that enrich their relationship with Jesus).
· You need to be aware of (and plan for) the reality of your sinful nature.
· “making friends” is a developmental process—establishing many casual opposite sex friendships will expose you to different people in different situations…and help you (and them) develop.
Purpose (Why are you pursuing this activity?)
· Make love your aim…not adrenalin charges, ego trips or even marriage
· Seek to understand yourself and others.
· Represent Jesus to your date…model for them a high standard that will help them know what to look for in a future partner.
· Develop social graces…and skills
· Develop communication skills – listen, talk, think. Work hard at accurate communication of purpose, expectations, feelings etc. Bad patterns or laziness will be carried into marriage.
· Learn friendship skills (avoid the physical).
Activity (Where to go and what to do?)
· Communicate clearly and plan…talk about your “friendship” objective
· Go where both will be at ease and can communicate.
· Multiple date…learn from three others instead of one…easier!
· Vary your routine…and your friends.
· Avoid intimate physical contact in this stage of a relationship…it will violate the integrity of a supposed friendship outing…do you touch your other friends this way? It sends a mixed (and confusing) message to the other…and others.
Further thoughts on physical contact…
“A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.” (Ecclesiastes)
Think of the partner-seeking process in general in three distinct stages…
1 Making Friends
Communicate intentions and standards.
Go out with a number of people…range.
Avoid physical contact and “teasing”.
2 Partner- Seeking
Go slow—enjoy innocent intimacy.
Practice intimate discussion—not intimate expression.
Avoid public display of affection.
Communicates possessiveness and intimacy
May stir up resentment or remorse in others.
3 Marriage
Be faithful to the one you have chosen.
Enjoy physical and sexual contact.
Allow appropriate public expression of affection.
Making the distinction between the three stages will help you to be more aware of progress in a relationship and motivate discussion and mutual awareness at transition times between stages. Increased intimacy is a result of increased commitment…which comes as trust grows. If you violate the agreed upon standard for the stage you are in…you undermine trust.
In stage one, group dates are acceptable…even desirable. Don’t have to pair off or even have equal numbers of men and women. Women can pay their own way—as friends frequently do! Women can ask men out—group date is best for this approach.
Men—you need to ask your sisters out as friends—edify them personally and socially. It is a ministry to ask them out...regardless of their response. Communicates that someone out there considers the woman has value as a friend and companion.
Women—you need to say “yes”. Encourage the men to take the risk of relationship by providing some positive re-inforcement in accepting their invitation.
Keep in mind that men and women respond differently to sexual stimulation.
One statistic says that a man is stimulated four times more quickly and more intensely than a woman. A man's sexual arousal is apt to come early in the relationship. This may or may not be followed by emotional bonding. A woman, on the other hand, is more apt to bond emotionally first, and then experience sexual arousal. If a woman doesn't remember this, she may assume that a man's sexual advances imply an emotional bonding which is not necessarily there. If a man doesn't keep this in mind, he may make advances which miscommunicate his level of commitment.
Another difference in stimulation is that men are generally more stimulated by sight and women by touch. Again, this is a creative difference in marriage, but it can wreak havoc for a single person. I remember a single male staff member who was distracted on campus by the skimpy tee shirts and short shorts worn by the women students. If he was distracted in his daily ministry, I can imagine the pressure would be pretty high on a date! Likewise, I've talked with single women who feel deceived by male friends who have communicated with touch more affection than they really feel in the relationship. Just as a woman needs to be loving toward her male companion in what she wears and how she carries herself, likewise a man needs to be loving in the way he chooses to touch or not touch a woman.
A word on “petting”…
(Definition: Physical contact with the intent of sexual stimulation.)
Law of diminishing returns…takes more and more to get the same charge. It is a lot harder to stop than not to start (example of drugs).
You can inadvertently condition yourself to a “stop” point in physical stimulation that can create temporary problems in marriage. Guilt regarding sexual stimulation can cripple other expressions of love. We never totally loose vivid sexual memories. Storing up these intense memories can result in flashbacks and comparisons of your partner with other former sexual partners. This can diminish the intensity of sexual expression in marriage.
Think about this…
“Somewhere in the world this weekend…somebody is dating and programming your future marriage partner. Do you want that person to be developing someone who is guilty, fearful, and sexually cold…or someone who is warm, giving, sensitive, and Christlike? Knowing what you know know, what advice would you give that person in light of the influence he or she might have on your marriage?”
Practice what you preach!
May others praise God because of your input into their partner’s lives as a result of the time you spent together making friends.
The case for sexual abstinence…
Internet…search engine (Google)… “Sexual abstinence”…even secular sites with good reasoning.
“Go slowly, my boyfriend, and see all the fine things that are in me…
... or go fast…I shall see how little there is in you.”
Oz phenomena…
Childhood –> Contact -> /???/ -> Going Together –> Engagement -> Marriage
How do we define the “/???/” stage in Australia. Americans call it dating. But that seems to be a distant relative to what takes place in Oz. (Discuss the idea of a “making friends” stage of life.)
When are you ready to make friends ???
Ans: When you love enough!
Preparation for marriage is not so much a process of finding the right person as it is a matter of learning to be the right person. So…
When are you the right person???
…Primarily…When you are seeking God’s will…Matthew 6:33
Seek first God’s kingdom (rather than a marriage partner). Allow Him to make the choice of your marriage partner and you can’t go wrong. Even if you are ignorant (or blind)…He isn’t. He wants the best one for you…far more than you do!
…Secondarily…When you are striving for maturity daily by…
a) consistent Bible study – influence intellect
b) coping with difficult situations—emotional control
c) submitting to authority--demonstrates control of your will
d) demonstrating some social responsibility – concerned for poor, needy, unemployed
e) maintaining good health
Prove your stewardship…God can trust you with much because you prove faithful in little. If you want a better marriage partner, be a better person. He won’t entrust you with His riches unless you have proven your stewardship. God’s princess’s are for his princes (and visa/versa). Don’t expect Him to give you a princess if you live like a frog.
What to look for in a partner…
My reservations about extensive “qualification lists”…
· Several girls I dated met all the qualifications but they weren’t the right one for me!
· My wife has assets and resources which I was unaware of when we married. Some of them developed in the context of our marriage. If I would have waited for them to present themselves before I got married, we may have never gotten married.
· My values and preferences have changed over the last 30 years.
Only God knows what someone will be like in the future. That’s why ultimately we need to trust him with this decision.
There are however a few helpful signs to look for…
· Friendship, compatability, and mutual interests
· Ease of communication is all of life issues
· (for the believer) spiritual unity—never marry an unbeliever—it doesn’t usually work…you worldviews are too different to meld. The Scripture warns us against being unequally yoked.
· My mentor’s standard—“Does she/he have a heartbeat for God that is not dependent on you?”
When are you prepared…???
· When you have made a cost benefit analysis, ie. dangers, benefits and objectives.
· When you have thought through a list of personal dating standards…and determined that even if you lose your man or woman as a result you will not compromise these standards.
· When you are willing and able to communicate your standards to those you go out with…verbally commit yourself to a standard up front.
Suggestions for “Making Friends” …
“Making Friends” with opposite sex Christian believers should be different than worldly opposite relationships in several ways…
Attitude (What are you focused on?)
· the “other” is a brother or sister in Christ and there future marriage partner is you brother/sister in Christ. (How would you want your Christian brother to treat your future wife on their date tonight? Have the same regard for your brother’s future wife when you take her out!)
· you are to edify each other (as a result of your input the other should develop in a way that enrich their relationship with Jesus).
· You need to be aware of (and plan for) the reality of your sinful nature.
· “making friends” is a developmental process—establishing many casual opposite sex friendships will expose you to different people in different situations…and help you (and them) develop.
Purpose (Why are you pursuing this activity?)
· Make love your aim…not adrenalin charges, ego trips or even marriage
· Seek to understand yourself and others.
· Represent Jesus to your date…model for them a high standard that will help them know what to look for in a future partner.
· Develop social graces…and skills
· Develop communication skills – listen, talk, think. Work hard at accurate communication of purpose, expectations, feelings etc. Bad patterns or laziness will be carried into marriage.
· Learn friendship skills (avoid the physical).
Activity (Where to go and what to do?)
· Communicate clearly and plan…talk about your “friendship” objective
· Go where both will be at ease and can communicate.
· Multiple date…learn from three others instead of one…easier!
· Vary your routine…and your friends.
· Avoid intimate physical contact in this stage of a relationship…it will violate the integrity of a supposed friendship outing…do you touch your other friends this way? It sends a mixed (and confusing) message to the other…and others.
Further thoughts on physical contact…
“A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.” (Ecclesiastes)
Think of the partner-seeking process in general in three distinct stages…
1 Making Friends
Communicate intentions and standards.
Go out with a number of people…range.
Avoid physical contact and “teasing”.
2 Partner- Seeking
Go slow—enjoy innocent intimacy.
Practice intimate discussion—not intimate expression.
Avoid public display of affection.
Communicates possessiveness and intimacy
May stir up resentment or remorse in others.
3 Marriage
Be faithful to the one you have chosen.
Enjoy physical and sexual contact.
Allow appropriate public expression of affection.
Making the distinction between the three stages will help you to be more aware of progress in a relationship and motivate discussion and mutual awareness at transition times between stages. Increased intimacy is a result of increased commitment…which comes as trust grows. If you violate the agreed upon standard for the stage you are in…you undermine trust.
In stage one, group dates are acceptable…even desirable. Don’t have to pair off or even have equal numbers of men and women. Women can pay their own way—as friends frequently do! Women can ask men out—group date is best for this approach.
Men—you need to ask your sisters out as friends—edify them personally and socially. It is a ministry to ask them out...regardless of their response. Communicates that someone out there considers the woman has value as a friend and companion.
Women—you need to say “yes”. Encourage the men to take the risk of relationship by providing some positive re-inforcement in accepting their invitation.
Keep in mind that men and women respond differently to sexual stimulation.
One statistic says that a man is stimulated four times more quickly and more intensely than a woman. A man's sexual arousal is apt to come early in the relationship. This may or may not be followed by emotional bonding. A woman, on the other hand, is more apt to bond emotionally first, and then experience sexual arousal. If a woman doesn't remember this, she may assume that a man's sexual advances imply an emotional bonding which is not necessarily there. If a man doesn't keep this in mind, he may make advances which miscommunicate his level of commitment.
Another difference in stimulation is that men are generally more stimulated by sight and women by touch. Again, this is a creative difference in marriage, but it can wreak havoc for a single person. I remember a single male staff member who was distracted on campus by the skimpy tee shirts and short shorts worn by the women students. If he was distracted in his daily ministry, I can imagine the pressure would be pretty high on a date! Likewise, I've talked with single women who feel deceived by male friends who have communicated with touch more affection than they really feel in the relationship. Just as a woman needs to be loving toward her male companion in what she wears and how she carries herself, likewise a man needs to be loving in the way he chooses to touch or not touch a woman.
A word on “petting”…
(Definition: Physical contact with the intent of sexual stimulation.)
Law of diminishing returns…takes more and more to get the same charge. It is a lot harder to stop than not to start (example of drugs).
You can inadvertently condition yourself to a “stop” point in physical stimulation that can create temporary problems in marriage. Guilt regarding sexual stimulation can cripple other expressions of love. We never totally loose vivid sexual memories. Storing up these intense memories can result in flashbacks and comparisons of your partner with other former sexual partners. This can diminish the intensity of sexual expression in marriage.
Think about this…
“Somewhere in the world this weekend…somebody is dating and programming your future marriage partner. Do you want that person to be developing someone who is guilty, fearful, and sexually cold…or someone who is warm, giving, sensitive, and Christlike? Knowing what you know know, what advice would you give that person in light of the influence he or she might have on your marriage?”
Practice what you preach!
May others praise God because of your input into their partner’s lives as a result of the time you spent together making friends.
The case for sexual abstinence…
Internet…search engine (Google)… “Sexual abstinence”…even secular sites with good reasoning.
“Go slowly, my boyfriend, and see all the fine things that are in me…
... or go fast…I shall see how little there is in you.”
# posted by Speckman's Scratchings @ 5:02 PM 
