Saturday, September 25, 2004
A Few Good Thoughts
"The moment sex ceases to be a servant it becomes a tyrant."
G. K. Chesterton
"There two basic facts about sex: it is very good and it is very dangerous."
Margaret Thatcher
"Purity is the beginning of all passion. Thus, faithful marriage is the only guarantee of unbridled sexual pleasure."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
G. K. Chesterton
"There two basic facts about sex: it is very good and it is very dangerous."
Margaret Thatcher
"Purity is the beginning of all passion. Thus, faithful marriage is the only guarantee of unbridled sexual pleasure."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Word Study on “fornication”
Making the issue clear!
SEXUAL IMMORALITY (NIV) = FORNICATION (AV) = PORNEIA (GK)
FORNICATION…[for nih KAY shun]-sexual relationships outside the bonds of marriage. The technical distinction between fornication and ADULTERY is that adultery involves married persons while fornication involves those who are unmarried. But the New Testament often uses the term in a general sense for any unchastity. Of the seven lists of sins found in the writings of the apostle Paul, the word fornication is found in five of them and is first on the list each time (1 Cor 5:11; Col 3:5--Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.)
(from Nelson's Illustrated Bible Dictionary, Copyright (c)1986, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
******************************************************
FORNICATION…(Grk. porneia). Used of illicit sexual intercourse in general (Acts 15:20,29; 21:25; cf. 1 Cor 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; etc.). It is distinguished from "adultery" (Grk. moicheia, in Matt 15:19; Mark 7:21). The NIV usually translates porneia as "sexual immorality" and moicheia as "adultery."…At the present time adultery is the term used of such an act when the person is married, fornication when unmarried; and fornication may be defined as lewdness of an unmarried person of either sex. Its prohibition rests on the ground that it discourages marriage, leaves the education and care of children insecure, depraves and defiles the mind more than any other vice, and thus makes one unfit for God’s kingdom.
(From The New Unger's Bible Dictionary. Originally published by Moody Press of Chicago, Illinois. Copyright (c) 1988.)
N.T. References containing the word “porneia”
Matt 15:19
Mark 7:21
Acts 15:20
Acts 15:29
Acts 21:25
Rom 13:13
1 Cor 5:1
1 Cor 6:13
1 Cor 6:18
1 Cor 10:8
Gal 5:19
Eph 5:3
Col 3:5
1 Thess 4:3
Jude 7
Rev 2:14
Rev 2:20
Rev 9:21
N.T. Verses containing the word “porneia” (translated: sexual immorality)
Matthew 15:19…For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
Mark 7:21…For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery
Acts 15:20…telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood.
Acts 15:29…You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.
Acts 21:25…As for the Gentile believers, we have written to them our decision that they should abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality."
Romans 13:13…Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.
1 Corinthians 5:1…It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife.
1 Corinthians 6:13 b…The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
1 Corinthians 6:18…Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
1 Corinthians 10:8…We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did-and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died.
Galatians 5:19…The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;
Ephesians 5:3…But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.
Colossians 3:5…Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
1 Thessalonians 4:3…It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; { 4) that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5) not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6) and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.}
Jude 7…In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.
Revelation 2:14…Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: You have people there who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin by eating food sacrificed to idols and by committing sexual immorality. NIV
Revelation 2:20…Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess. By her teaching she misleads my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols. NIV
Revelation 9:21…Nor did they repent of their murders, their magic arts, their sexual immorality or their thefts.
Other important passages dealing with the concepts…
“ONE FLESH”
1 Cor 6:13-7:1…The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14) By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15) Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16) Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." 17) But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
“YOUR BODY BELONGS TO YOUR PARTNER”
1 Cor 7:2-5…2) But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3) The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4) The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5) Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
SCOPE OF ADULTERY
Matt. 5:28…But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Lustfully = “longing after”)
SEXUAL IMMORALITY (NIV) = FORNICATION (AV) = PORNEIA (GK)
FORNICATION…[for nih KAY shun]-sexual relationships outside the bonds of marriage. The technical distinction between fornication and ADULTERY is that adultery involves married persons while fornication involves those who are unmarried. But the New Testament often uses the term in a general sense for any unchastity. Of the seven lists of sins found in the writings of the apostle Paul, the word fornication is found in five of them and is first on the list each time (1 Cor 5:11; Col 3:5--Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.)
(from Nelson's Illustrated Bible Dictionary, Copyright (c)1986, Thomas Nelson Publishers)
******************************************************
FORNICATION…(Grk. porneia). Used of illicit sexual intercourse in general (Acts 15:20,29; 21:25; cf. 1 Cor 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; etc.). It is distinguished from "adultery" (Grk. moicheia, in Matt 15:19; Mark 7:21). The NIV usually translates porneia as "sexual immorality" and moicheia as "adultery."…At the present time adultery is the term used of such an act when the person is married, fornication when unmarried; and fornication may be defined as lewdness of an unmarried person of either sex. Its prohibition rests on the ground that it discourages marriage, leaves the education and care of children insecure, depraves and defiles the mind more than any other vice, and thus makes one unfit for God’s kingdom.
(From The New Unger's Bible Dictionary. Originally published by Moody Press of Chicago, Illinois. Copyright (c) 1988.)
N.T. References containing the word “porneia”
Matt 15:19
Mark 7:21
Acts 15:20
Acts 15:29
Acts 21:25
Rom 13:13
1 Cor 5:1
1 Cor 6:13
1 Cor 6:18
1 Cor 10:8
Gal 5:19
Eph 5:3
Col 3:5
1 Thess 4:3
Jude 7
Rev 2:14
Rev 2:20
Rev 9:21
N.T. Verses containing the word “porneia” (translated: sexual immorality)
Matthew 15:19…For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
Mark 7:21…For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery
Acts 15:20…telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood.
Acts 15:29…You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.
Acts 21:25…As for the Gentile believers, we have written to them our decision that they should abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality."
Romans 13:13…Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.
1 Corinthians 5:1…It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife.
1 Corinthians 6:13 b…The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
1 Corinthians 6:18…Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
1 Corinthians 10:8…We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did-and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died.
Galatians 5:19…The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;
Ephesians 5:3…But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.
Colossians 3:5…Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
1 Thessalonians 4:3…It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; { 4) that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5) not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6) and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.}
Jude 7…In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.
Revelation 2:14…Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: You have people there who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin by eating food sacrificed to idols and by committing sexual immorality. NIV
Revelation 2:20…Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess. By her teaching she misleads my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols. NIV
Revelation 9:21…Nor did they repent of their murders, their magic arts, their sexual immorality or their thefts.
Other important passages dealing with the concepts…
“ONE FLESH”
1 Cor 6:13-7:1…The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14) By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15) Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16) Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." 17) But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
“YOUR BODY BELONGS TO YOUR PARTNER”
1 Cor 7:2-5…2) But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3) The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4) The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5) Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
SCOPE OF ADULTERY
Matt. 5:28…But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Lustfully = “longing after”)
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Love, Sex, and Dating Series--Dating
DATING
Oz phenomena…
Childhood –> Contact -> /???/ -> Going Together –> Engagement -> Marriage
How do we define the “/???/” stage in Australia. Americans call it dating. But that seems to be a distant relative to what takes place in Oz. (Discuss the idea of a “making friends” stage of life.)
When are you ready to make friends ???
Ans: When you love enough!
Preparation for marriage is not so much a process of finding the right person as it is a matter of learning to be the right person. So…
When are you the right person???
…Primarily…When you are seeking God’s will…Matthew 6:33
Seek first God’s kingdom (rather than a marriage partner). Allow Him to make the choice of your marriage partner and you can’t go wrong. Even if you are ignorant (or blind)…He isn’t. He wants the best one for you…far more than you do!
…Secondarily…When you are striving for maturity daily by…
a) consistent Bible study – influence intellect
b) coping with difficult situations—emotional control
c) submitting to authority--demonstrates control of your will
d) demonstrating some social responsibility – concerned for poor, needy, unemployed
e) maintaining good health
Prove your stewardship…God can trust you with much because you prove faithful in little. If you want a better marriage partner, be a better person. He won’t entrust you with His riches unless you have proven your stewardship. God’s princess’s are for his princes (and visa/versa). Don’t expect Him to give you a princess if you live like a frog.
What to look for in a partner…
My reservations about extensive “qualification lists”…
· Several girls I dated met all the qualifications but they weren’t the right one for me!
· My wife has assets and resources which I was unaware of when we married. Some of them developed in the context of our marriage. If I would have waited for them to present themselves before I got married, we may have never gotten married.
· My values and preferences have changed over the last 30 years.
Only God knows what someone will be like in the future. That’s why ultimately we need to trust him with this decision.
There are however a few helpful signs to look for…
· Friendship, compatability, and mutual interests
· Ease of communication is all of life issues
· (for the believer) spiritual unity—never marry an unbeliever—it doesn’t usually work…you worldviews are too different to meld. The Scripture warns us against being unequally yoked.
· My mentor’s standard—“Does she/he have a heartbeat for God that is not dependent on you?”
When are you prepared…???
· When you have made a cost benefit analysis, ie. dangers, benefits and objectives.
· When you have thought through a list of personal dating standards…and determined that even if you lose your man or woman as a result you will not compromise these standards.
· When you are willing and able to communicate your standards to those you go out with…verbally commit yourself to a standard up front.
Suggestions for “Making Friends” …
“Making Friends” with opposite sex Christian believers should be different than worldly opposite relationships in several ways…
Attitude (What are you focused on?)
· the “other” is a brother or sister in Christ and there future marriage partner is you brother/sister in Christ. (How would you want your Christian brother to treat your future wife on their date tonight? Have the same regard for your brother’s future wife when you take her out!)
· you are to edify each other (as a result of your input the other should develop in a way that enrich their relationship with Jesus).
· You need to be aware of (and plan for) the reality of your sinful nature.
· “making friends” is a developmental process—establishing many casual opposite sex friendships will expose you to different people in different situations…and help you (and them) develop.
Purpose (Why are you pursuing this activity?)
· Make love your aim…not adrenalin charges, ego trips or even marriage
· Seek to understand yourself and others.
· Represent Jesus to your date…model for them a high standard that will help them know what to look for in a future partner.
· Develop social graces…and skills
· Develop communication skills – listen, talk, think. Work hard at accurate communication of purpose, expectations, feelings etc. Bad patterns or laziness will be carried into marriage.
· Learn friendship skills (avoid the physical).
Activity (Where to go and what to do?)
· Communicate clearly and plan…talk about your “friendship” objective
· Go where both will be at ease and can communicate.
· Multiple date…learn from three others instead of one…easier!
· Vary your routine…and your friends.
· Avoid intimate physical contact in this stage of a relationship…it will violate the integrity of a supposed friendship outing…do you touch your other friends this way? It sends a mixed (and confusing) message to the other…and others.
Further thoughts on physical contact…
“A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.” (Ecclesiastes)
Think of the partner-seeking process in general in three distinct stages…
1 Making Friends
Communicate intentions and standards.
Go out with a number of people…range.
Avoid physical contact and “teasing”.
2 Partner- Seeking
Go slow—enjoy innocent intimacy.
Practice intimate discussion—not intimate expression.
Avoid public display of affection.
Communicates possessiveness and intimacy
May stir up resentment or remorse in others.
3 Marriage
Be faithful to the one you have chosen.
Enjoy physical and sexual contact.
Allow appropriate public expression of affection.
Making the distinction between the three stages will help you to be more aware of progress in a relationship and motivate discussion and mutual awareness at transition times between stages. Increased intimacy is a result of increased commitment…which comes as trust grows. If you violate the agreed upon standard for the stage you are in…you undermine trust.
In stage one, group dates are acceptable…even desirable. Don’t have to pair off or even have equal numbers of men and women. Women can pay their own way—as friends frequently do! Women can ask men out—group date is best for this approach.
Men—you need to ask your sisters out as friends—edify them personally and socially. It is a ministry to ask them out...regardless of their response. Communicates that someone out there considers the woman has value as a friend and companion.
Women—you need to say “yes”. Encourage the men to take the risk of relationship by providing some positive re-inforcement in accepting their invitation.
Keep in mind that men and women respond differently to sexual stimulation.
One statistic says that a man is stimulated four times more quickly and more intensely than a woman. A man's sexual arousal is apt to come early in the relationship. This may or may not be followed by emotional bonding. A woman, on the other hand, is more apt to bond emotionally first, and then experience sexual arousal. If a woman doesn't remember this, she may assume that a man's sexual advances imply an emotional bonding which is not necessarily there. If a man doesn't keep this in mind, he may make advances which miscommunicate his level of commitment.
Another difference in stimulation is that men are generally more stimulated by sight and women by touch. Again, this is a creative difference in marriage, but it can wreak havoc for a single person. I remember a single male staff member who was distracted on campus by the skimpy tee shirts and short shorts worn by the women students. If he was distracted in his daily ministry, I can imagine the pressure would be pretty high on a date! Likewise, I've talked with single women who feel deceived by male friends who have communicated with touch more affection than they really feel in the relationship. Just as a woman needs to be loving toward her male companion in what she wears and how she carries herself, likewise a man needs to be loving in the way he chooses to touch or not touch a woman.
A word on “petting”…
(Definition: Physical contact with the intent of sexual stimulation.)
Law of diminishing returns…takes more and more to get the same charge. It is a lot harder to stop than not to start (example of drugs).
You can inadvertently condition yourself to a “stop” point in physical stimulation that can create temporary problems in marriage. Guilt regarding sexual stimulation can cripple other expressions of love. We never totally loose vivid sexual memories. Storing up these intense memories can result in flashbacks and comparisons of your partner with other former sexual partners. This can diminish the intensity of sexual expression in marriage.
Think about this…
“Somewhere in the world this weekend…somebody is dating and programming your future marriage partner. Do you want that person to be developing someone who is guilty, fearful, and sexually cold…or someone who is warm, giving, sensitive, and Christlike? Knowing what you know know, what advice would you give that person in light of the influence he or she might have on your marriage?”
Practice what you preach!
May others praise God because of your input into their partner’s lives as a result of the time you spent together making friends.
The case for sexual abstinence…
Internet…search engine (Google)… “Sexual abstinence”…even secular sites with good reasoning.
“Go slowly, my boyfriend, and see all the fine things that are in me…
... or go fast…I shall see how little there is in you.”
Oz phenomena…
Childhood –> Contact -> /???/ -> Going Together –> Engagement -> Marriage
How do we define the “/???/” stage in Australia. Americans call it dating. But that seems to be a distant relative to what takes place in Oz. (Discuss the idea of a “making friends” stage of life.)
When are you ready to make friends ???
Ans: When you love enough!
Preparation for marriage is not so much a process of finding the right person as it is a matter of learning to be the right person. So…
When are you the right person???
…Primarily…When you are seeking God’s will…Matthew 6:33
Seek first God’s kingdom (rather than a marriage partner). Allow Him to make the choice of your marriage partner and you can’t go wrong. Even if you are ignorant (or blind)…He isn’t. He wants the best one for you…far more than you do!
…Secondarily…When you are striving for maturity daily by…
a) consistent Bible study – influence intellect
b) coping with difficult situations—emotional control
c) submitting to authority--demonstrates control of your will
d) demonstrating some social responsibility – concerned for poor, needy, unemployed
e) maintaining good health
Prove your stewardship…God can trust you with much because you prove faithful in little. If you want a better marriage partner, be a better person. He won’t entrust you with His riches unless you have proven your stewardship. God’s princess’s are for his princes (and visa/versa). Don’t expect Him to give you a princess if you live like a frog.
What to look for in a partner…
My reservations about extensive “qualification lists”…
· Several girls I dated met all the qualifications but they weren’t the right one for me!
· My wife has assets and resources which I was unaware of when we married. Some of them developed in the context of our marriage. If I would have waited for them to present themselves before I got married, we may have never gotten married.
· My values and preferences have changed over the last 30 years.
Only God knows what someone will be like in the future. That’s why ultimately we need to trust him with this decision.
There are however a few helpful signs to look for…
· Friendship, compatability, and mutual interests
· Ease of communication is all of life issues
· (for the believer) spiritual unity—never marry an unbeliever—it doesn’t usually work…you worldviews are too different to meld. The Scripture warns us against being unequally yoked.
· My mentor’s standard—“Does she/he have a heartbeat for God that is not dependent on you?”
When are you prepared…???
· When you have made a cost benefit analysis, ie. dangers, benefits and objectives.
· When you have thought through a list of personal dating standards…and determined that even if you lose your man or woman as a result you will not compromise these standards.
· When you are willing and able to communicate your standards to those you go out with…verbally commit yourself to a standard up front.
Suggestions for “Making Friends” …
“Making Friends” with opposite sex Christian believers should be different than worldly opposite relationships in several ways…
Attitude (What are you focused on?)
· the “other” is a brother or sister in Christ and there future marriage partner is you brother/sister in Christ. (How would you want your Christian brother to treat your future wife on their date tonight? Have the same regard for your brother’s future wife when you take her out!)
· you are to edify each other (as a result of your input the other should develop in a way that enrich their relationship with Jesus).
· You need to be aware of (and plan for) the reality of your sinful nature.
· “making friends” is a developmental process—establishing many casual opposite sex friendships will expose you to different people in different situations…and help you (and them) develop.
Purpose (Why are you pursuing this activity?)
· Make love your aim…not adrenalin charges, ego trips or even marriage
· Seek to understand yourself and others.
· Represent Jesus to your date…model for them a high standard that will help them know what to look for in a future partner.
· Develop social graces…and skills
· Develop communication skills – listen, talk, think. Work hard at accurate communication of purpose, expectations, feelings etc. Bad patterns or laziness will be carried into marriage.
· Learn friendship skills (avoid the physical).
Activity (Where to go and what to do?)
· Communicate clearly and plan…talk about your “friendship” objective
· Go where both will be at ease and can communicate.
· Multiple date…learn from three others instead of one…easier!
· Vary your routine…and your friends.
· Avoid intimate physical contact in this stage of a relationship…it will violate the integrity of a supposed friendship outing…do you touch your other friends this way? It sends a mixed (and confusing) message to the other…and others.
Further thoughts on physical contact…
“A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.” (Ecclesiastes)
Think of the partner-seeking process in general in three distinct stages…
1 Making Friends
Communicate intentions and standards.
Go out with a number of people…range.
Avoid physical contact and “teasing”.
2 Partner- Seeking
Go slow—enjoy innocent intimacy.
Practice intimate discussion—not intimate expression.
Avoid public display of affection.
Communicates possessiveness and intimacy
May stir up resentment or remorse in others.
3 Marriage
Be faithful to the one you have chosen.
Enjoy physical and sexual contact.
Allow appropriate public expression of affection.
Making the distinction between the three stages will help you to be more aware of progress in a relationship and motivate discussion and mutual awareness at transition times between stages. Increased intimacy is a result of increased commitment…which comes as trust grows. If you violate the agreed upon standard for the stage you are in…you undermine trust.
In stage one, group dates are acceptable…even desirable. Don’t have to pair off or even have equal numbers of men and women. Women can pay their own way—as friends frequently do! Women can ask men out—group date is best for this approach.
Men—you need to ask your sisters out as friends—edify them personally and socially. It is a ministry to ask them out...regardless of their response. Communicates that someone out there considers the woman has value as a friend and companion.
Women—you need to say “yes”. Encourage the men to take the risk of relationship by providing some positive re-inforcement in accepting their invitation.
Keep in mind that men and women respond differently to sexual stimulation.
One statistic says that a man is stimulated four times more quickly and more intensely than a woman. A man's sexual arousal is apt to come early in the relationship. This may or may not be followed by emotional bonding. A woman, on the other hand, is more apt to bond emotionally first, and then experience sexual arousal. If a woman doesn't remember this, she may assume that a man's sexual advances imply an emotional bonding which is not necessarily there. If a man doesn't keep this in mind, he may make advances which miscommunicate his level of commitment.
Another difference in stimulation is that men are generally more stimulated by sight and women by touch. Again, this is a creative difference in marriage, but it can wreak havoc for a single person. I remember a single male staff member who was distracted on campus by the skimpy tee shirts and short shorts worn by the women students. If he was distracted in his daily ministry, I can imagine the pressure would be pretty high on a date! Likewise, I've talked with single women who feel deceived by male friends who have communicated with touch more affection than they really feel in the relationship. Just as a woman needs to be loving toward her male companion in what she wears and how she carries herself, likewise a man needs to be loving in the way he chooses to touch or not touch a woman.
A word on “petting”…
(Definition: Physical contact with the intent of sexual stimulation.)
Law of diminishing returns…takes more and more to get the same charge. It is a lot harder to stop than not to start (example of drugs).
You can inadvertently condition yourself to a “stop” point in physical stimulation that can create temporary problems in marriage. Guilt regarding sexual stimulation can cripple other expressions of love. We never totally loose vivid sexual memories. Storing up these intense memories can result in flashbacks and comparisons of your partner with other former sexual partners. This can diminish the intensity of sexual expression in marriage.
Think about this…
“Somewhere in the world this weekend…somebody is dating and programming your future marriage partner. Do you want that person to be developing someone who is guilty, fearful, and sexually cold…or someone who is warm, giving, sensitive, and Christlike? Knowing what you know know, what advice would you give that person in light of the influence he or she might have on your marriage?”
Practice what you preach!
May others praise God because of your input into their partner’s lives as a result of the time you spent together making friends.
The case for sexual abstinence…
Internet…search engine (Google)… “Sexual abstinence”…even secular sites with good reasoning.
“Go slowly, my boyfriend, and see all the fine things that are in me…
... or go fast…I shall see how little there is in you.”
Love, Sex, and Dating Series--Love
LOVE
I want to make it clear from the beginning that my suggestions are aimed at maturing Christian believers—those who want God’s best in life. For the non-believer they may well be irrational, impractical, undesirable and impossible.
Even for a believer, some of the ideas may generate resistance…too weird, too conservative (or too liberal), too extreme, too out-dated.
Nevertheless, I believe it is my responsibility to share my values and convictions with you…in order to influence the development of your values and convictions. Intelligent people make better decisions when they process a wider range of data. It is my intent to provide a broad stroke picture of God’s plan in regard to love, sex, and establishing friendships with the opposite sex. What you choose to do with this data is your responsibility before God.
Though I could probably generate a more immediate attention by moving right into the discussion on Christian sexuality…I am convinced that dynamic sex requires great skill in “making love”…so I want to begin at a more fundamental level…LOVE. The plan is to have a talk followed by a brief discussion in each of these three areas…then conclude with a question and answer time.
Three Greek Words for Love…
Eros…from which we get the word “erotic”. This refers primarily to the sensuous physical love, ie. the chemical reactions and emotive sensations.
Phileo…this is tribal love, family bonding, brotherly affection. Again, a good thing to help facilitate family and social ties. The American city Philadelphia means literally “city of brotherly love”.
Agape…total unconditional and self-sacrificial giving of oneself for another…modeled in the trinity. John 3:16 and Romans 5:8
Agape love is not…“I love you if…” (dependent on receiving something)
Nor is it….. “I love you because…” (based on mutual satisfaction)
Rather agape love is…“I love you—full stop.” (this is a love which seeks to meet the needs of the other because of the character of the lover). Agape is characterised by selflessness. This type of love is best translated with a four letter English word…G-I-V-E. It is a commitment to give of oneself without holding back. It is primarily identified by intellect and will (accompanied by consistent action) more than by emotion. Agape love is not primarily a “feeling” but a commitment.
God is the personal fulfilment and model of this type of love…I Jn 4:8-10
If we want to experience and demonstrate this kind of love with others a primary goal should be to so relate to God that His presence transforms our character.
Because of His agape love for us He has not only given us His Son…so that we might have life…and His Spirit…so that we might have the power to be life-transformed. He has also given us a revelation of Himself in His word…so that we might have a guidebook to the life of love. God’s word is designed with human welfare in mind. It’s specific instruction and general principles are for our benefit. We enjoy fullness of life as we learn to trust his revelation more that our own imagination…and follow His instructions.
The commands of God are an objective display of His love for us…
Commandments—“do’s”—have a goal of provision.
Prohibitions—“don’ts”—have a goal of protection.
Our Heavenly Father knows what is best for us in regard to life…and He wants the best for us. So he tells us what to pursue and what to avoid. Even imperfect human fathers who love their children do the same. When I command my children not to touch the hot plate it is not because I want to deprive them of a powerful tactile experience…rather it is because I do not want them to be burned.
God knows the devastating consequences of wrong behaviour far better than we do. That’s why His love motivates Him to protect us by forbidding certain behaviour. Temptation is the bait to deadly trap. (Arctic wolves and knife illustration). God warns us to stay clear of sin.
In addition to an attitude of selfless love…the Bible clearly teaches we also need the context of marriage for our human sexuality to fulfil its divine purposes. It would be misrepresentative to discuss sex without giving a thumbnail perspective on marriage from a biblical perspective…
MARRIAGE
The book of Genesis is very helpful here.
Genesis 1:26-27… tells us that we were created in the image of God. I believe a primary characteristic of this “image-bearing” is the ability to experience an intimate fellowship with others. The Trinity best models this seemingly impossible state of union—three in one. But early in God’s revelation we are told that His image-bearers will also have this ability… for two to be intimately joined as one.
Genesis 2:24… they weren’t created as one…but God designed a way in which they were to become one flesh…a three part process resulting in intimate union. They were instructed to leave, cleave, and become one flesh. All three are vital to the process in God’s eyes.
LEAVE…(legal and social responsibility)………………………............Marriage
CLEAVE…(psychological responsibility—emotional bonding)......Love
ONE FLESH…(sexual responsibility--faithfulness)……………......Sex
Sex (one flesh) and love (cleaving) without marriage (leaving) is not union
Marriage (leaving) and sex (one flesh) without love (cleave) is not union
Love (cleaving) and marriage (leaving) without sex (one flesh) is not union
In my thinking, this three-part process is what prevents rape (becoming one flesh) from creating the marital union that God intended. Without leaving and cleaving…sex (by itself) is not union. If you have been raped this should be of great comfort to you. Your potential for intimate union in the context of marriage is no less possible than a virgin’s. I might also add the rape is essentially an act of violence not sex as God intended. It only reveals the “character of the rapist”…not the victim.
Though undoubtedly you may be able to contrive some unusual exceptions to the above process…it is presented biblically…and very early on in history…as the standard of marriage process that God intended.
I want to make it clear from the beginning that my suggestions are aimed at maturing Christian believers—those who want God’s best in life. For the non-believer they may well be irrational, impractical, undesirable and impossible.
Even for a believer, some of the ideas may generate resistance…too weird, too conservative (or too liberal), too extreme, too out-dated.
Nevertheless, I believe it is my responsibility to share my values and convictions with you…in order to influence the development of your values and convictions. Intelligent people make better decisions when they process a wider range of data. It is my intent to provide a broad stroke picture of God’s plan in regard to love, sex, and establishing friendships with the opposite sex. What you choose to do with this data is your responsibility before God.
Though I could probably generate a more immediate attention by moving right into the discussion on Christian sexuality…I am convinced that dynamic sex requires great skill in “making love”…so I want to begin at a more fundamental level…LOVE. The plan is to have a talk followed by a brief discussion in each of these three areas…then conclude with a question and answer time.
Three Greek Words for Love…
Eros…from which we get the word “erotic”. This refers primarily to the sensuous physical love, ie. the chemical reactions and emotive sensations.
Phileo…this is tribal love, family bonding, brotherly affection. Again, a good thing to help facilitate family and social ties. The American city Philadelphia means literally “city of brotherly love”.
Agape…total unconditional and self-sacrificial giving of oneself for another…modeled in the trinity. John 3:16 and Romans 5:8
Agape love is not…“I love you if…” (dependent on receiving something)
Nor is it….. “I love you because…” (based on mutual satisfaction)
Rather agape love is…“I love you—full stop.” (this is a love which seeks to meet the needs of the other because of the character of the lover). Agape is characterised by selflessness. This type of love is best translated with a four letter English word…G-I-V-E. It is a commitment to give of oneself without holding back. It is primarily identified by intellect and will (accompanied by consistent action) more than by emotion. Agape love is not primarily a “feeling” but a commitment.
God is the personal fulfilment and model of this type of love…I Jn 4:8-10
If we want to experience and demonstrate this kind of love with others a primary goal should be to so relate to God that His presence transforms our character.
Because of His agape love for us He has not only given us His Son…so that we might have life…and His Spirit…so that we might have the power to be life-transformed. He has also given us a revelation of Himself in His word…so that we might have a guidebook to the life of love. God’s word is designed with human welfare in mind. It’s specific instruction and general principles are for our benefit. We enjoy fullness of life as we learn to trust his revelation more that our own imagination…and follow His instructions.
The commands of God are an objective display of His love for us…
Commandments—“do’s”—have a goal of provision.
Prohibitions—“don’ts”—have a goal of protection.
Our Heavenly Father knows what is best for us in regard to life…and He wants the best for us. So he tells us what to pursue and what to avoid. Even imperfect human fathers who love their children do the same. When I command my children not to touch the hot plate it is not because I want to deprive them of a powerful tactile experience…rather it is because I do not want them to be burned.
God knows the devastating consequences of wrong behaviour far better than we do. That’s why His love motivates Him to protect us by forbidding certain behaviour. Temptation is the bait to deadly trap. (Arctic wolves and knife illustration). God warns us to stay clear of sin.
In addition to an attitude of selfless love…the Bible clearly teaches we also need the context of marriage for our human sexuality to fulfil its divine purposes. It would be misrepresentative to discuss sex without giving a thumbnail perspective on marriage from a biblical perspective…
MARRIAGE
The book of Genesis is very helpful here.
Genesis 1:26-27… tells us that we were created in the image of God. I believe a primary characteristic of this “image-bearing” is the ability to experience an intimate fellowship with others. The Trinity best models this seemingly impossible state of union—three in one. But early in God’s revelation we are told that His image-bearers will also have this ability… for two to be intimately joined as one.
Genesis 2:24… they weren’t created as one…but God designed a way in which they were to become one flesh…a three part process resulting in intimate union. They were instructed to leave, cleave, and become one flesh. All three are vital to the process in God’s eyes.
LEAVE…(legal and social responsibility)………………………............Marriage
CLEAVE…(psychological responsibility—emotional bonding)......Love
ONE FLESH…(sexual responsibility--faithfulness)……………......Sex
Sex (one flesh) and love (cleaving) without marriage (leaving) is not union
Marriage (leaving) and sex (one flesh) without love (cleave) is not union
Love (cleaving) and marriage (leaving) without sex (one flesh) is not union
In my thinking, this three-part process is what prevents rape (becoming one flesh) from creating the marital union that God intended. Without leaving and cleaving…sex (by itself) is not union. If you have been raped this should be of great comfort to you. Your potential for intimate union in the context of marriage is no less possible than a virgin’s. I might also add the rape is essentially an act of violence not sex as God intended. It only reveals the “character of the rapist”…not the victim.
Though undoubtedly you may be able to contrive some unusual exceptions to the above process…it is presented biblically…and very early on in history…as the standard of marriage process that God intended.
Love, Sex, and Dating Series--Sex
(RADICAL) SEX
A Christian Perspective
INTRODUCTION
The title I have given to this subject is not simply a promotional “come-on”.
The Christian perspective on sex is indeed “radical”…originating in the word “radix” meaning “central core or root” and implying a basic and foundational principle or assumption. Current usage of the word identifies an influencial person or idea that promotes extreme change in existing views, habits, conditions, or institutions…usually in an attempt to restore to an earlier fundamental state.
Contrary to public opinion…the true Christian is NOT preoccupied with arguing an unreasoned commitment to institutional or societal behaviour patterns in the area of human sexuality. Nor is he or she obsessed with aggressively espousing an antiquated Victorian moral standard. The radix of Christianity is not our sexual mores…but our core commitment to the person of Jesus, whom the Christian believes to be (among other things) …the manifestation of truth in human form.
Ultimately our view of sexual issues must be filtered through His revelation of truth. As the personification of truth…what Jesus says to us in this (and for that matter in any) area of life…is all that really counts! The rest is merely our human opinion…and therefore subject to error.
It must be obvious that I have already limited my audience substantially to those who would be considered followers of Christ. I do not apologise for that “narrowing down”…nor do I demand (or even expect) those who do not intend to follow Christ to whole-heartedly accept either the principles or practices that I will suggest. But…because I believe that I have stayed close to the biblical revealed truth about our sexuality…the Christian (at the very least) needs to give serious thought to how he or she will integrate these God-revealed realities into their life practices.
So why am I introducing a “truth” concern in a discussion on sexuality?
Because truth is vitally important! To build an entire lifestyle on illusion is a tragedy…as well as a sham. In contrast, Jesus said “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” He is 100% committed to setting us free in life issues…to liberating us from bondage to unhealthy beliefs and behaviours. May I encourage you to allow God to speak to you in the next couple of minutes…and exhort you to listen to Him...and respond as appropriate for you.
GOD’S PERSPECTIVE ON SEX
1) SEX IS GOOD
It is beneficial to human beings and designed to be intensely pleasurable and fulfilling. God is not “against” sex…He created it! Solomon (recognised to be the wisest man in scripture) tells his sons to “let your wife’s love and your sexual embrace intoxicate you continually with delight…always enjoy the ecstacy of her love”. An entire book of the Bible is believed by most commentators to be a tastefully veiled manual on sexual love. The New Testament warns against abstaining from sexual intercourse in marriage except in unusual circumstances (I Corin. 7:5) These portions of Scripture are not merely sanctioned by God…but inspired by him. (II Tim 3:16-17 and I Tim 4:3-4). Sex is good because it is created by God.
2) SEX IS GOOD FOR US
Sex has intrinsic value that extends beyond pleasure…it is useful and helps fulfill God’s purposes. As such it is not intended as an “end” in itself but as a “means” to a higher end…unification, recreation, procreation.
Instead of the word “sex” Scripture refers to the act of sexual intercourse as “knowing”…Translate…“Adam knew his wife” as reading…“Adam had intimate sexual relations with his wife”. It’s actually a pretty good term (“knowing”) because it goes far beyond the idea of mere physical copulation…to imply that the intercourse is a means of self-disclosure…or self-revelation…so that the partners know each other. Sexual intercourse is a communication tool…or as one writer puts it “a celebration of past, present, and future commitment to one another”. Intercourse is a means to intimate personal understanding of another person.
Used properly, sexual intercourse is also an object lesson in one of the most vital aspects of a love relationship…voluntary self-giving based on commitment to another. I believe sex is intended to be an object lesson in the satisfaction of giving. I benefit by willingly giving my body to my chosen partner…where all around me the world says true satisfaction in not in giving but in getting…in accumulating. A godly perspective on sexual intercourse teaches the importance (and joy) of putting my partner’s needs before my own.
Here we see the radical nature of human sexuality as God intended it to be used. The emphasis on the pre-requisites of love, responsibility, commitment, and service cuts to the core of our prevailing philosophy of life. Instead of arguing “your life for my benefit”…we are asked to embrace the self-sacrificing principle of the cross…“my life for your benefit”.
3) SEX IS POWERFUL
Apart from any uniquely Christian experience, sheer raw sexual drive itself can move people to engage in unbelievably dangerous situations. But in the context of a loving marriage relationship, sexual intercourse is the glue that cements the bond between husband and wife. It is a God-designed dynamic tool for the development of the marriage bond.
It is one of the most powerful tools in our marital toolbox…and it takes two people to use this tool.
Like any powerful tool it will take some time and experience to learn how to use it properly. I would argue that gaining skill in dynamic sexual intercourse is best learned from your marriage partner…not someone who is not committed enough to your well-being to commit to a lifetime together. (In a very practical note…learning from each other only avoids the problems of comparison, unfulfilled expectations, disappointment, and dissatisfaction in sex.)
Sexual intercourse is powerful and useful as a process…but misleading as a product! Sex is not primarily a marketable commodity--unless you reduce it to the abhorrent aberration of prostitution. I suspect that this is a core understanding regarding Christian sexual expression…will I commit to using sexual intercourse as part of the process—a means by which God develops me and my marriage? Or will I focus on the pleasure of sex as a consumable product—an end in itself?
4) SEX IS PROTECTED
Precisely because it is a good and powerful tool, God seeks to “protect” sex. He is not against the use of sex…but He is adamantly opposed to the abuse of sex. He is deeply concerned about the abuse of sex because He is well aware of the negative consequences that flow from a misuse of the tool.
This divine opposition finds expression in clearly defined limitations or restrictions on sexual activity. His protective boundaries are simple and easily communicated…so that there is no confusion. The Scripture is quite clear—sexual expression is reserved for a male and female who are married to each other. This standard rules out homosexual, premarital, and extra-marital sexual intimacy.
Within marriage…the rules regarding sex are few. The Bible is not obsessed with rigid rules of sexual practice within marriage…it simply infers, “Marriage is the primary boundary of wholesome sexual activity.” So there are not an abundance of rules…and no real need to repeat them frequently.
Outside marriage…sex is prohibited. The boundaries are prescribed adequately enough in Scripture for us to rule out any question of God’s intent. According to the Bible, adultery (Exodus 20:14), fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18), and homosexuality (Leviticus 16:22, I Corin. 6:9) are prohibited for the believer.
Once again, it is key to see that prohibitions are intended to protect us. Non-marriage sex is prohibited because it is so powerful. (Example of atomic energy). It can be productive or destructive depending on how it is used. It can be our servant…or our master…as we will it.
In a wrap-up on God’s perspective on sex…the only biblical defensible position on sexual activity for the Christian is either total abstinence …OR…total faithfulness to one’s opposite sex marriage partner.
Before I conclude I think it might be helpful to briefly contrast what the world really has to offer in this area. It promises much…and right now…but it’s pleasures come with an enormous price tag. Putting sex into the world’s consumer oriented mentality for a moment…Do you really want to pay this much for an inferior product???
THE WORLD’S PERSPECTIVE ON SEX
Whatever else it promises…indiscriminate sex tends to end up being dehumanizing, destructive, and distracting…
DEHUMANIZING…Due in part to a philosophical shift regarding human origins. Science tells us that we are only advanced animals…or a collection of chemicals…either way humans are reduced to objects. The worldly view tends to overvalue sex at the expense of love. In his book God, Sex, and You, M.O. Vincent warns,
“The more one depreciates and devalues love in human relationships, while at the same time overvaluing sex…then the more sex becomes merely a matter of technique.” (p.18)
In the past we tended to value people and use things. More recently we have shifted toward valuing things and using people. If we use others to gratify our own sexual desires we are treating them as expendable consumer items. We further dehumanize them when we decide they have outlived their usefulness as a sex object so we turn them in for a newer model. Sex without responsibility of commitment can become a form of consumerism.
As Christians, we are to be vitally concerned with the value and dignity of every human being. We are called to serve others in love…not use them for self-gratification. We must learn to attach “value” without demanding possession.
DESTRUCTIVE…
PHYSICALLY…STD (sexually transmitted diseases)…a modern disease of gigantic proportions which is virtually dependent on pre-marital and extra-marital for transmission. Limitation of sexual expression to marriage would wipe out AIDS in one generation.
PSYCHOLOGICALLY…Psychiatrist Doris Odlum, while Vice-President of the National Association of Mental Health, stated, “only the most depraved and perverted people would accept the view that we should satisfy our primitive urges to steal…or to murder (for example)…that it would be damaging to our mental health if we restrained these impulses.
“It is somewhat curious, therefore, that people have failed to understand that a completely selfish and irresponsible attitude in relation to the fulfilling of our sexual demands…damages our personality, as well as being anti-social…From the psychological point-of-view, it is accepted that self-indulgence and irresponsibility in regard to any aspect of our lives tends to corrupt us and insidiously leads to a lowering of our self-respect, and our stands for integrity in every other aspect of our lives.”
SOCIALLY…Dr. J. D. Unwin after surveying societies both civilized and uncivilized in his book Sexual Relations in Human Behavior, concluded in part…
“Any human society is free to choose either to display great energy or to enjoy sexual 'freedom'; the evidence is that it cannot do both for more than one generation.”
Sexual freedom is a Satanic euphemism for enslavement. True freedom is not the ability to say “yes”, but the ability to say “no”. Example of slavery “Yes, massa”…and liberation “no way.”
In her book New Dynamics in Sexual Love, Mary Joyce writes,
“Liberation in sex means being able to take it or leave it…The way to liberation is the friendship of men and women. But there is barely any cultural precedent for such a relationship. It needs to be created almost out of nothing. (What a challenge to Christians!) People think that men can be friends (with other men) and women can be friends with other women…but men be friends with women? Friendship requires a kind of sexual freedom so that persons may share meanings, values, and feelings without erotic urgencies nagging the depths of their awareness.”
We will always reap what we sow. Though it is true that we are free to sow what we will sexually…we are not free to reap other than what we have sown.
DISTRACTING…a casual approach to sexual morality tends to pull our eyes away from a focus on God and His purposes. Through the centuries, I suspect that no other single sin has done a better job of sidetracking young Christians from a closer walk with Jesus than sexual temptation, sin, and the resulting sense of guilt. “Holiness” means to be set apart for God’s special purposes. He calls us to sexual purity so that He can use us in His perfect plan. We choose whether or not we will be “holy” so that we can be useful to by Him.
The world sacrifices love for sex. We are called to temporarily sacrifice sex for the sake of love.
I have tried to give a reasonable number of some powerful arguments (for reserving sexual expression for marriage) that are not necessarily “religious” in nature…but personally I believe the main reason for being faithful to my mate (both before and during marriage) is that God makes is quite clear that this is His will for us. For the Christian, I would suggest that we don’t really need any other reasons!
In conclusion, with a group of this size where most of you are in a pre-marital stage of life, I need to make a couple of other comments. Some of you may be saying to yourself…“Fine and good…but a little late for me! I’ve already violated God’s standard. I can’t enter a second time into virginity.”
The good news of salvation in Christ…because of his death in payment of our sins…includes all sexual sin in the list. If you are a Christian, God has already forgiven you at the cross. You can deal with this sin the same way you deal with any other…confess it and appropriate God’s power in resisting it in the future.
The fact that you are not a virgin does not excuse you from pursuing holiness. Phil 3:13-14 makes it clear that our past behaviour is never an excuse for present sin. Violating God’s prohibition will leave a scar…but it is foolish to say that “since I am scarred, I won’t worry about whether or not I am making my situation even worse.”
The time to draw the line in the sand regarding your commitment to sexual purity is not sitting in the back seat of car in the midst of an intimate caress. Ideally you need to make the decision before you get intimately involved with another person. And if you are already there…I would encourage you to make that decision now. Talk to each other about it!
A Christian Perspective
INTRODUCTION
The title I have given to this subject is not simply a promotional “come-on”.
The Christian perspective on sex is indeed “radical”…originating in the word “radix” meaning “central core or root” and implying a basic and foundational principle or assumption. Current usage of the word identifies an influencial person or idea that promotes extreme change in existing views, habits, conditions, or institutions…usually in an attempt to restore to an earlier fundamental state.
Contrary to public opinion…the true Christian is NOT preoccupied with arguing an unreasoned commitment to institutional or societal behaviour patterns in the area of human sexuality. Nor is he or she obsessed with aggressively espousing an antiquated Victorian moral standard. The radix of Christianity is not our sexual mores…but our core commitment to the person of Jesus, whom the Christian believes to be (among other things) …the manifestation of truth in human form.
Ultimately our view of sexual issues must be filtered through His revelation of truth. As the personification of truth…what Jesus says to us in this (and for that matter in any) area of life…is all that really counts! The rest is merely our human opinion…and therefore subject to error.
It must be obvious that I have already limited my audience substantially to those who would be considered followers of Christ. I do not apologise for that “narrowing down”…nor do I demand (or even expect) those who do not intend to follow Christ to whole-heartedly accept either the principles or practices that I will suggest. But…because I believe that I have stayed close to the biblical revealed truth about our sexuality…the Christian (at the very least) needs to give serious thought to how he or she will integrate these God-revealed realities into their life practices.
So why am I introducing a “truth” concern in a discussion on sexuality?
Because truth is vitally important! To build an entire lifestyle on illusion is a tragedy…as well as a sham. In contrast, Jesus said “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” He is 100% committed to setting us free in life issues…to liberating us from bondage to unhealthy beliefs and behaviours. May I encourage you to allow God to speak to you in the next couple of minutes…and exhort you to listen to Him...and respond as appropriate for you.
GOD’S PERSPECTIVE ON SEX
1) SEX IS GOOD
It is beneficial to human beings and designed to be intensely pleasurable and fulfilling. God is not “against” sex…He created it! Solomon (recognised to be the wisest man in scripture) tells his sons to “let your wife’s love and your sexual embrace intoxicate you continually with delight…always enjoy the ecstacy of her love”. An entire book of the Bible is believed by most commentators to be a tastefully veiled manual on sexual love. The New Testament warns against abstaining from sexual intercourse in marriage except in unusual circumstances (I Corin. 7:5) These portions of Scripture are not merely sanctioned by God…but inspired by him. (II Tim 3:16-17 and I Tim 4:3-4). Sex is good because it is created by God.
2) SEX IS GOOD FOR US
Sex has intrinsic value that extends beyond pleasure…it is useful and helps fulfill God’s purposes. As such it is not intended as an “end” in itself but as a “means” to a higher end…unification, recreation, procreation.
Instead of the word “sex” Scripture refers to the act of sexual intercourse as “knowing”…Translate…“Adam knew his wife” as reading…“Adam had intimate sexual relations with his wife”. It’s actually a pretty good term (“knowing”) because it goes far beyond the idea of mere physical copulation…to imply that the intercourse is a means of self-disclosure…or self-revelation…so that the partners know each other. Sexual intercourse is a communication tool…or as one writer puts it “a celebration of past, present, and future commitment to one another”. Intercourse is a means to intimate personal understanding of another person.
Used properly, sexual intercourse is also an object lesson in one of the most vital aspects of a love relationship…voluntary self-giving based on commitment to another. I believe sex is intended to be an object lesson in the satisfaction of giving. I benefit by willingly giving my body to my chosen partner…where all around me the world says true satisfaction in not in giving but in getting…in accumulating. A godly perspective on sexual intercourse teaches the importance (and joy) of putting my partner’s needs before my own.
Here we see the radical nature of human sexuality as God intended it to be used. The emphasis on the pre-requisites of love, responsibility, commitment, and service cuts to the core of our prevailing philosophy of life. Instead of arguing “your life for my benefit”…we are asked to embrace the self-sacrificing principle of the cross…“my life for your benefit”.
3) SEX IS POWERFUL
Apart from any uniquely Christian experience, sheer raw sexual drive itself can move people to engage in unbelievably dangerous situations. But in the context of a loving marriage relationship, sexual intercourse is the glue that cements the bond between husband and wife. It is a God-designed dynamic tool for the development of the marriage bond.
It is one of the most powerful tools in our marital toolbox…and it takes two people to use this tool.
Like any powerful tool it will take some time and experience to learn how to use it properly. I would argue that gaining skill in dynamic sexual intercourse is best learned from your marriage partner…not someone who is not committed enough to your well-being to commit to a lifetime together. (In a very practical note…learning from each other only avoids the problems of comparison, unfulfilled expectations, disappointment, and dissatisfaction in sex.)
Sexual intercourse is powerful and useful as a process…but misleading as a product! Sex is not primarily a marketable commodity--unless you reduce it to the abhorrent aberration of prostitution. I suspect that this is a core understanding regarding Christian sexual expression…will I commit to using sexual intercourse as part of the process—a means by which God develops me and my marriage? Or will I focus on the pleasure of sex as a consumable product—an end in itself?
4) SEX IS PROTECTED
Precisely because it is a good and powerful tool, God seeks to “protect” sex. He is not against the use of sex…but He is adamantly opposed to the abuse of sex. He is deeply concerned about the abuse of sex because He is well aware of the negative consequences that flow from a misuse of the tool.
This divine opposition finds expression in clearly defined limitations or restrictions on sexual activity. His protective boundaries are simple and easily communicated…so that there is no confusion. The Scripture is quite clear—sexual expression is reserved for a male and female who are married to each other. This standard rules out homosexual, premarital, and extra-marital sexual intimacy.
Within marriage…the rules regarding sex are few. The Bible is not obsessed with rigid rules of sexual practice within marriage…it simply infers, “Marriage is the primary boundary of wholesome sexual activity.” So there are not an abundance of rules…and no real need to repeat them frequently.
Outside marriage…sex is prohibited. The boundaries are prescribed adequately enough in Scripture for us to rule out any question of God’s intent. According to the Bible, adultery (Exodus 20:14), fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18), and homosexuality (Leviticus 16:22, I Corin. 6:9) are prohibited for the believer.
Once again, it is key to see that prohibitions are intended to protect us. Non-marriage sex is prohibited because it is so powerful. (Example of atomic energy). It can be productive or destructive depending on how it is used. It can be our servant…or our master…as we will it.
In a wrap-up on God’s perspective on sex…the only biblical defensible position on sexual activity for the Christian is either total abstinence …OR…total faithfulness to one’s opposite sex marriage partner.
Before I conclude I think it might be helpful to briefly contrast what the world really has to offer in this area. It promises much…and right now…but it’s pleasures come with an enormous price tag. Putting sex into the world’s consumer oriented mentality for a moment…Do you really want to pay this much for an inferior product???
THE WORLD’S PERSPECTIVE ON SEX
Whatever else it promises…indiscriminate sex tends to end up being dehumanizing, destructive, and distracting…
DEHUMANIZING…Due in part to a philosophical shift regarding human origins. Science tells us that we are only advanced animals…or a collection of chemicals…either way humans are reduced to objects. The worldly view tends to overvalue sex at the expense of love. In his book God, Sex, and You, M.O. Vincent warns,
“The more one depreciates and devalues love in human relationships, while at the same time overvaluing sex…then the more sex becomes merely a matter of technique.” (p.18)
In the past we tended to value people and use things. More recently we have shifted toward valuing things and using people. If we use others to gratify our own sexual desires we are treating them as expendable consumer items. We further dehumanize them when we decide they have outlived their usefulness as a sex object so we turn them in for a newer model. Sex without responsibility of commitment can become a form of consumerism.
As Christians, we are to be vitally concerned with the value and dignity of every human being. We are called to serve others in love…not use them for self-gratification. We must learn to attach “value” without demanding possession.
DESTRUCTIVE…
PHYSICALLY…STD (sexually transmitted diseases)…a modern disease of gigantic proportions which is virtually dependent on pre-marital and extra-marital for transmission. Limitation of sexual expression to marriage would wipe out AIDS in one generation.
PSYCHOLOGICALLY…Psychiatrist Doris Odlum, while Vice-President of the National Association of Mental Health, stated, “only the most depraved and perverted people would accept the view that we should satisfy our primitive urges to steal…or to murder (for example)…that it would be damaging to our mental health if we restrained these impulses.
“It is somewhat curious, therefore, that people have failed to understand that a completely selfish and irresponsible attitude in relation to the fulfilling of our sexual demands…damages our personality, as well as being anti-social…From the psychological point-of-view, it is accepted that self-indulgence and irresponsibility in regard to any aspect of our lives tends to corrupt us and insidiously leads to a lowering of our self-respect, and our stands for integrity in every other aspect of our lives.”
SOCIALLY…Dr. J. D. Unwin after surveying societies both civilized and uncivilized in his book Sexual Relations in Human Behavior, concluded in part…
“Any human society is free to choose either to display great energy or to enjoy sexual 'freedom'; the evidence is that it cannot do both for more than one generation.”
Sexual freedom is a Satanic euphemism for enslavement. True freedom is not the ability to say “yes”, but the ability to say “no”. Example of slavery “Yes, massa”…and liberation “no way.”
In her book New Dynamics in Sexual Love, Mary Joyce writes,
“Liberation in sex means being able to take it or leave it…The way to liberation is the friendship of men and women. But there is barely any cultural precedent for such a relationship. It needs to be created almost out of nothing. (What a challenge to Christians!) People think that men can be friends (with other men) and women can be friends with other women…but men be friends with women? Friendship requires a kind of sexual freedom so that persons may share meanings, values, and feelings without erotic urgencies nagging the depths of their awareness.”
We will always reap what we sow. Though it is true that we are free to sow what we will sexually…we are not free to reap other than what we have sown.
DISTRACTING…a casual approach to sexual morality tends to pull our eyes away from a focus on God and His purposes. Through the centuries, I suspect that no other single sin has done a better job of sidetracking young Christians from a closer walk with Jesus than sexual temptation, sin, and the resulting sense of guilt. “Holiness” means to be set apart for God’s special purposes. He calls us to sexual purity so that He can use us in His perfect plan. We choose whether or not we will be “holy” so that we can be useful to by Him.
The world sacrifices love for sex. We are called to temporarily sacrifice sex for the sake of love.
I have tried to give a reasonable number of some powerful arguments (for reserving sexual expression for marriage) that are not necessarily “religious” in nature…but personally I believe the main reason for being faithful to my mate (both before and during marriage) is that God makes is quite clear that this is His will for us. For the Christian, I would suggest that we don’t really need any other reasons!
In conclusion, with a group of this size where most of you are in a pre-marital stage of life, I need to make a couple of other comments. Some of you may be saying to yourself…“Fine and good…but a little late for me! I’ve already violated God’s standard. I can’t enter a second time into virginity.”
The good news of salvation in Christ…because of his death in payment of our sins…includes all sexual sin in the list. If you are a Christian, God has already forgiven you at the cross. You can deal with this sin the same way you deal with any other…confess it and appropriate God’s power in resisting it in the future.
The fact that you are not a virgin does not excuse you from pursuing holiness. Phil 3:13-14 makes it clear that our past behaviour is never an excuse for present sin. Violating God’s prohibition will leave a scar…but it is foolish to say that “since I am scarred, I won’t worry about whether or not I am making my situation even worse.”
The time to draw the line in the sand regarding your commitment to sexual purity is not sitting in the back seat of car in the midst of an intimate caress. Ideally you need to make the decision before you get intimately involved with another person. And if you are already there…I would encourage you to make that decision now. Talk to each other about it!
Speaker Notes on Christian Sex Talk
"A Christian Perspective on Sex" -- September 2004
“Qualifications” (counselor) and Disclaimer (usually three hours context of Love, Sex, and Dating) – Starting point: I’m not against sex--totally for it!
Why I love sex! God’s gracious and loving design for unique intimacy and bonding…and it’s intensely pleasurable.
A Power tool—Procreation and recreation. Abusing a power tool can be both dangerous and destructive. It comes with an instruction manual and with boundaries in order to protect you.
Consequences of abusing sex (using sex outside of marriage)…
DEHUMANIZING…Science tells us that we are only advanced animals…or a collection of chemicals…either way humans are reduced to objects. In the past we tended to value people and use things. More recently we have shifted toward valuing things and using people. If we use others to gratify our own sexual desires we are treating them as expendable consumer items. Sex without responsibility of commitment can become a form of consumerism. As Christians, we are to be vitally concerned with the value and dignity of every human being. We are called to serve others in love…not use them for self-gratification.
DESTRUCTIVE…
PHYSICALLY…STD (sexually transmitted diseases)…a modern disease of gigantic proportions which is virtually dependent on pre-marital and extra-marital for transmission. Limitation of sexual expression to marriage would wipe out AIDS in one generation. Uganda example.
PSYCHOLOGICALLY…Psychiatrist Doris Odlum, while Vice-President of the American National Association of Mental Health, stated, “only the most depraved and perverted people would accept the view that we should satisfy our primitive urges to steal…or to murder (for example)…that it would be damaging to our mental health if we restrained these impulses.
She goes on to say, “It is somewhat curious, therefore, that people have failed to understand that a completely selfish and irresponsible attitude in relation to the fulfilling of our sexual demands…damages our personality, as well as being anti-social…”
SOCIALLY…Dr. J. D. Unwin after surveying societies both civilized and uncivilized in his book Sexual Relations in Human Behavior, concluded in part…“Any human society is free to choose either to display great energy or to enjoy sexual “freedom”; the evidence is that it cannot do both for more than one generation.” “Sexual freedom” is a Satanic euphemism for enslavement. True freedom is not the ability to say “yes”, but the ability to say “no”. (Example of slavery “Yes, massa”…and liberation “no way.”)
DISTRACTING…a casual approach to sexual morality tends to pull our eyes away from a focus on God and His purposes. Through the centuries, I suspect that no other single sin has done a better job of sidetracking young Christians from a closer walk with Jesus than sexual temptation, sin, and the resulting sense of guilt. “Holiness” means to be set apart for God’s special purposes. He calls us to sexual purity so that He can use us in His perfect plan. We choose whether or not we will be “holy” so that we can be used to by Him.
Casual pre-marital or extra-marital sex is dehumanizing, distracting and destructive.
Killing wolves in the Artic--illustrative story. When we give us what we really need for what we desperately want it can gradually kill us…individually and socially…and we may not be aware of it until it is too late!
Sunday Sun-Herald article…
The really good news is that we can have an idea where the boundaries are. We do have a rule book for relationships. (Bible)
Within marriage…the rules regarding sex are few. The Bible is not obsessed with rigid rules of sexual practice within marriage…it simply infers, “Marriage is the primary boundary of wholesome sexual activity.” So there are not an abundance of rules…and no real need to repeat them frequently.
A word on forgiveness…I John 1:9…if we confess our sins…cleansing
Positives…Cleansing for service
Call to a new culture (Generation X) and a “new” sexuality…
A high calling—on a mission from God—
Shining out in the darkness…demonstrate the high value of Christian values and corresponding behaviours. Choosing to say “no” to the world.
"You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world ... shine out among them as beacon lights, holding out to them the Word of life." - Philippians 2:15-16 (LB)
Romans 12:1-2, II Corin 6:9-20
Biblical values—the right choices are easy when you value the right thing!
As a Christian, I bear the name of my Heavenly Father. To be holy means to live so that others will think well of Him. To be holy means bringing credit to our Heavenly Father by what we say and do. It means living so that those who don't know him, know him because they know us.
Being holy means living so that others will say, "He serves a wonderful God," and so that God will look down from heaven and say, "That's my boy!" or "That's my girl!"
It is said that in the days of Alexander the Great a soldier was charged and tried for desertion in battle. The Emperor heard about it and called the young soldier in. He heard the charge and then he asked his name. The reply came beck, "Alexander, sir." With that the Emperor looked him sternly in the eye and said, "Soldier, change your behavior or change your name." We bear the name of God everywhere we go, and that ought to make a difference in the way we live…or change our name!
(Tertullian, a Christian historian spoke of the Gnostic “blasphemy against the Creator”, saying “they make no distinction between pagans and believers. They have commerce with magicians, astrologers, and philosophers.” Point: how are people to see a difference if we are not living differently? Virginity is not something to be ashamed of!!!)
Tribal intimacy—sheep (flock power) with a powerful shepherd.
Creating a new modality—journeying together, learn from experience,
(possibly marrying younger?)
A new power source—the Holy Spirit…Acts 1:8…the empowering Spirit makes it possible for others to see Jesus in me…and seek him out!
“Qualifications” (counselor) and Disclaimer (usually three hours context of Love, Sex, and Dating) – Starting point: I’m not against sex--totally for it!
Why I love sex! God’s gracious and loving design for unique intimacy and bonding…and it’s intensely pleasurable.
A Power tool—Procreation and recreation. Abusing a power tool can be both dangerous and destructive. It comes with an instruction manual and with boundaries in order to protect you.
Consequences of abusing sex (using sex outside of marriage)…
DEHUMANIZING…Science tells us that we are only advanced animals…or a collection of chemicals…either way humans are reduced to objects. In the past we tended to value people and use things. More recently we have shifted toward valuing things and using people. If we use others to gratify our own sexual desires we are treating them as expendable consumer items. Sex without responsibility of commitment can become a form of consumerism. As Christians, we are to be vitally concerned with the value and dignity of every human being. We are called to serve others in love…not use them for self-gratification.
DESTRUCTIVE…
PHYSICALLY…STD (sexually transmitted diseases)…a modern disease of gigantic proportions which is virtually dependent on pre-marital and extra-marital for transmission. Limitation of sexual expression to marriage would wipe out AIDS in one generation. Uganda example.
PSYCHOLOGICALLY…Psychiatrist Doris Odlum, while Vice-President of the American National Association of Mental Health, stated, “only the most depraved and perverted people would accept the view that we should satisfy our primitive urges to steal…or to murder (for example)…that it would be damaging to our mental health if we restrained these impulses.
She goes on to say, “It is somewhat curious, therefore, that people have failed to understand that a completely selfish and irresponsible attitude in relation to the fulfilling of our sexual demands…damages our personality, as well as being anti-social…”
SOCIALLY…Dr. J. D. Unwin after surveying societies both civilized and uncivilized in his book Sexual Relations in Human Behavior, concluded in part…“Any human society is free to choose either to display great energy or to enjoy sexual “freedom”; the evidence is that it cannot do both for more than one generation.” “Sexual freedom” is a Satanic euphemism for enslavement. True freedom is not the ability to say “yes”, but the ability to say “no”. (Example of slavery “Yes, massa”…and liberation “no way.”)
DISTRACTING…a casual approach to sexual morality tends to pull our eyes away from a focus on God and His purposes. Through the centuries, I suspect that no other single sin has done a better job of sidetracking young Christians from a closer walk with Jesus than sexual temptation, sin, and the resulting sense of guilt. “Holiness” means to be set apart for God’s special purposes. He calls us to sexual purity so that He can use us in His perfect plan. We choose whether or not we will be “holy” so that we can be used to by Him.
Casual pre-marital or extra-marital sex is dehumanizing, distracting and destructive.
Killing wolves in the Artic--illustrative story. When we give us what we really need for what we desperately want it can gradually kill us…individually and socially…and we may not be aware of it until it is too late!
Sunday Sun-Herald article…
The really good news is that we can have an idea where the boundaries are. We do have a rule book for relationships. (Bible)
Within marriage…the rules regarding sex are few. The Bible is not obsessed with rigid rules of sexual practice within marriage…it simply infers, “Marriage is the primary boundary of wholesome sexual activity.” So there are not an abundance of rules…and no real need to repeat them frequently.
Outside marriage…sex is prohibited. The boundaries are prescribed adequately enough in Scripture for us to rule out any question of God’s intent. According to the Bible, adultery (Exodus 20:14), fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18), and homosexuality (Leviticus 16:22, I Corin. 6:9) are prohibited for the believer.
The time to decide about your standards (based on your values) is now…not in the back seat of car in a sexual embrace.
A word on forgiveness…I John 1:9…if we confess our sins…cleansing
Positives…Cleansing for service
Call to a new culture (Generation X) and a “new” sexuality…
A high calling—on a mission from God—
Shining out in the darkness…demonstrate the high value of Christian values and corresponding behaviours. Choosing to say “no” to the world.
"You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world ... shine out among them as beacon lights, holding out to them the Word of life." - Philippians 2:15-16 (LB)
Romans 12:1-2, II Corin 6:9-20
Biblical values—the right choices are easy when you value the right thing!
As a Christian, I bear the name of my Heavenly Father. To be holy means to live so that others will think well of Him. To be holy means bringing credit to our Heavenly Father by what we say and do. It means living so that those who don't know him, know him because they know us.
Being holy means living so that others will say, "He serves a wonderful God," and so that God will look down from heaven and say, "That's my boy!" or "That's my girl!"
It is said that in the days of Alexander the Great a soldier was charged and tried for desertion in battle. The Emperor heard about it and called the young soldier in. He heard the charge and then he asked his name. The reply came beck, "Alexander, sir." With that the Emperor looked him sternly in the eye and said, "Soldier, change your behavior or change your name." We bear the name of God everywhere we go, and that ought to make a difference in the way we live…or change our name!
(Tertullian, a Christian historian spoke of the Gnostic “blasphemy against the Creator”, saying “they make no distinction between pagans and believers. They have commerce with magicians, astrologers, and philosophers.” Point: how are people to see a difference if we are not living differently? Virginity is not something to be ashamed of!!!)
Tribal intimacy—sheep (flock power) with a powerful shepherd.
Creating a new modality—journeying together, learn from experience,
(possibly marrying younger?)
A new power source—the Holy Spirit…Acts 1:8…the empowering Spirit makes it possible for others to see Jesus in me…and seek him out!
